How do you say "Silence is Golden" in Polish?

EDITED LATER TO ADD: I've gone through and broken up this young lady's name to make it unsearchable through Google search. Believe it or not, I get an average of 30 - 50 hits a day from people searching for her name. Hopefully, this will curb the number of visits from folks who aren't finding what they're looking for, here, anyways.

Let me introduce you to a friend of mine...

THIS is Dirt y Lill y.



In this picture, she's in the process of taking her little bikini top off because ...well...that's what she does for a living.

Dirt y Lill y is a Polish Porn Actress.

(I suspect that's her stage name. But then again, I don't speak Dutch. In Dutch, "Dirt y" might be a fairly common girl's name. But, I digress.)

I discovered Dirt y Lill y a few weeks ago searching for something else on Google.

(I think I was looking for "Big Polish Tits" or something like that.)

Whatever the original search was for, Dirt y Lill y, taking off one of her many skimpy tops came up and I found my new crush. In her short career as a Polish Porno Big-Tits Model, Lill y has done several photo shoots displaying her big, bouncy assets. (Try Googling "Dirt y Lill y" and you'll see what I mean.) My personal favorite is the photo gallery from the time when she gets baby oil all over everything. And I do mean everything...

Keen-eyed Polish Porn Fans will note that Ms.Lill y is what you would call a Softcore Porn Actress. Which means that she mainly goes to places in skimpy clothes, takes them off, grabs her boobs, looks coyly into the camera and that's about it.
No Sex.
No Blowjobs.
No Penetration.
No lesbianism.
Nothing.
Just a prolonged flash, a few obligatory tugs on her jugs and then she dresses, collects her paycheck and is off to scout out new places to get naked and grab her boobs. Totally Nude, but also Totally Sexless.

Or so I thought...

A deeper Google search (I Google Deeply, Ladies.) revealed that Ms. Lill y has actually shot a short hardcore film. Which is good news for those of us who like to see Big, Polish Tits do what they do best - sway gently from side to side.

A Few Google Searches later, I found a link to a short clip from the "amateur, hardcore, sex tape" that Ms.Lill y has released upon the world. I waited for it to load, ready to have a self-inflicted, manually-stimulated, hot-pants, sex-plosion instantaneously, upon viewing the clip.

As soon as the video clip started, I knew something was wrong. Well, a "few" somethings were wrong actually...

First, Dirt y Lill y is a boring lover.

In the clip that I saw, nearly every setup had Dirt y Lill y on her back, getting rogered by THE CAMERAMAN, whilst she just laid there, looking bored. (Or drunk.) She looked at me disapprovingly through the camera, separated by time, space and the Atlantic Ocean, but instantly connected. A familiar look of disapproval that instantly took me back to my high school explorations of sex. A look that says, "You're doing that wrong and you don't know it. But it would take too long for me to explain it to you. Just hurry up and finish. I want to go watch 'Dancing with the Polish Stars'."

In my fantasy of fantasies, Dirt y Lill y was an experienced, giving lover. She would initiate positions on a whim, demonstrating her amazing mental and physical flexibility. She would switch things around until she found the position that was most visually stimulating for me and then she'd get a look of fierce determination on her face and she'd chase down an orgasm for us both that would be so severe, so loud, so intense, that the dog would go hide under the living room couch.

In the real world, Dirt y Lill y passively lays there, reconsidering her career choices and waiting for me and the cameraman to finish.

But that's not the worst of it.

There's more.

Dirt y Lill y doesn't speak any English. Just Polish.
I don't speak any Polish. Just English.

When Dirt y Lill y DOES bother to say something encouraging to her partner/cameraman, it's in Polish, accented with obligatory "Oohs" and "Yahs". The rest is a crazy monkey language. It's gobbledygook! Nobody could understand it! She could be verbally giving a erotic speech that would curl your toes and make your nuts sieze up like a Chevy motor on a cold January morning! Or should could be reciting the St. Crispin's Day speech from "Henry V". I'd have no idea, because I can't speak fucking Polish.

I know what you're about to say, "Sexy, Hot Girls speaking a foreign language to you, whilst love-making is hot, Mr. B! Don't you know that?"

Yes, Dummy. I DO know that. That is usually the case. Dirt y Lill y is the lackluster exception to Sexy Sexy rule. The utter lack of enthusiasm in her voice and her body language reduces the garbled polish into the unsexiest thing that you've ever heard. (If she were reciting the St.Crispin's Day Speech, there would be passion behind her voice. And maybe that would be enough to keep me interested. I suspect that her dialogue was signifigantly less exciting than that.)

So, you can't understand a single fucking thing that she's saying. But you can clearly guess from her body language and tone that it's boring and bored and I bet the cameraman had to "go to a happy place" and think about Heathe r Brook e to stay hard enough to finish. Maybe he was reconsidering his career choices too.

But that's not the worst of it.

I've saved the worst for last.

The worst thing about watching a Dirt y Lill y hardcore sex video...
is her voice.

She has a man's voice, baby! It's deep and throaty and low and has a remarkable bass timbre that made my nuts sieze up a bit. Honestly, when she started speaking her crazy Polish sex-talk, I thought, "This chick could easily lay down the baritone harmony of the Oak Ridge Boys song,'Elvira'!"

Seriously, her voice is deeper than my own. And my nuts dropped years ago! I don't know what her excuse is!

I sat there, watching this video, whilst this throaty, bored, bassoon of a Polish Sex Queen apathetically took a lack-luster fucking and I just gave up. I clicked "pause" on the video clip and actually said aloud, "I Can't Work With This" and closed the window. Permanently.

I haven't watched that clip since that day. Dirt y Lill y makes my boners sad these days. I feel the same dull ache of nostalgic heartbreak that I felt when I learned that Santa wasn't real.

Or that lightsabers weren't real.

Or that "lonely housewives" really aren't "hot, horny and hard up for some man-meat".

You can't believe everything that you read on a Christmas present tag, or see in a movie or that pops up on your screen when you're trying to look at a pair of well-oiled Polish Knockers.

Henceforth, Dirt y Lill y, will have to exist in the timeless, silent, frozen world of still photographs. I will always treasure those early first photo galleries where she would look playfully at the camera and make a naughty face that said, "Do you think I should put this dildo HERE?!?" I hold onto those memories (and my deflating phallus) and try not to imagine her singing ...

"Giddy Yup! Buh-OOm! Boppa-Ooom! Boppa-Mow-Mow!"



Cheers,
Mr.B